


We Think Our Fathers Fools

by blondeonblonde



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, First Kiss, M/M, Mark Lewis - Freeform, Skype
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2018-12-30 19:30:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12115653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blondeonblonde/pseuds/blondeonblonde
Summary: Whilst away, Robbie goes to see his son in Australia. It’s a disaster he spends the next few months trying to resolve, with James’ help. In the process it’s not just Robbie’s relationship with Mark that develops.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been rewatching the complete Lewis for the 100th time and rereading all the fics on Ao3. Got to the end and wanted even more Lewis/Hathaway goodness! Couldn't get this story out of my head so here it is.  
> I'm terrible at leaving fics unfinished so i've made sure I'm nearly done before posting this first part. All chapters should be up in the next few weeks.
> 
> Unbeta'd so feel free to suggest any corrections!

'We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so.' **-** Alexander Pope

 ---------

Robbie collapsed into James’ car and gave the great sigh of a weary traveller. The journey back from New Zealand had been much worse than the outbound journey, especially with no Laura to keep him company. Brooding on the pain of the last few weeks he’d been in no mood to deal with a plane full of excited holidaymakers. He’d grouched and grumbled his way through two flights and a stopover in Singapore, unable to find anything to take his mind off this disaster of a trip.  Now though, slouched beside James, things started to seem right for the first time in months.

“Home, James.” He muttered, smile pulling at the corner of his mouth at the comforting familiarity of those words.

When they didn’t immediately pull out of the parking space, Robbie twisted his head sideways against the headrest to find out what the problem was. James was facing forward but watching him carefully out of the corner of his eye, conflicted, hands wringing the steering wheel anxiously. Robbie knew his ‘I don’t know whether to ask this question’ face and gave a reassuring smile and raised his eyebrows to give the go ahead.

James huffed a laugh to himself and started to speak, still hesitant.

“You…um, you haven’t told me _which_ home to go… I understood from your email that you and Laura have …parted, and you haven’t told me you have anything else sorted. You could stay at mine, but I don’t want to presume …so I wasn’t sure where …”

Robbie watched him speak until his tired brain registered James’ discomfort and stepped in to apologise.

“Sorry, man. Should have said. You know me, crap at communication!” He gave a self-deprecating grin. Thinking back to his last email – it probably had been a little light on details, no wonder the lad was unsure. He was actually tempted by the offer of James’ spare room, but didn’t really want to impose on the lad any more than necessary.

“Thanks for the offer of your place, but Laura’s staying in New Zealand for a few more months, so I’ll be house sitting for her – just ‘til I get me own place, like.”

James nodded in understanding and, now clear on the destination, started the engine. As they drove off Robbie realised just how tired he was and was quickly lulled to sleep by the movement of the car.

\---

He woke up as they approached the house, utterly thankful that James had let him rest instead of bombarding him with questions. He wasn’t sure he could face any of those tonight.

The house was imposing in the dark. A friend of Laura’s had been staying there for a few months but it was now silent and empty. Robbie got out of the car, stretching his back which was protesting loudly after almost 30 hours of travelling. As he let himself into the house, James retrieved his bags from the boot and carried them inside, hesitating in the hallway as Robbie turned on a couple of lights.

The lighting helped ease the feeling of emptiness and it was lovely to be back in familiar surroundings, even if this was all Laura’ stuff rather than his. It had never really felt like his true home, though he’d lived there almost 18 months, should have been a sign really, he thought to himself gloomily.

He was brooding on this and feeling the loneliness and uncertainty of the break-up creeping up at him again, so it took him a while to notice that James was still hovering in the hallway.

“Sorry, Lad.  Mind’s still half asleep from me nap.” He went over to check his suitcase and bags, “That everything from the car?”

“Yep, all in.”  Hathaway told him.  “You got everything you need?”

“Just be needing the bed, I think. Too exhausted for anything else.” He yawned on cue and ran a hand over his tired eyes.

“I’ll leave you to it, then, so you can get settled back in.” James said. He paused to rub his arm, looking away, then added “…I’ve got the day off tomorrow, if you’d like to reacquaint yourself with English pub lunches...”

“If it includes English pub beers,” He replied.  “I’ll be there.”  Robbie smiled to himself. He strongly suspected James had booked the day off as soon as he had the details of Robbie’s flight home, so he could be there to help if he needed anything. Typical of the lad to be so thoughtful.

They stared at each other, unsure what else to say, but unwilling to break moment and be alone again. Robbie cracked first, body crumbling under the need for sleep.  “Thanks for coming to get me.”

“It’s good to have you home” James replied sincerely. He nodded his head as a parting gesture then stalked towards the door and let himself out, disappearing into the night.

Robbie groped his way round the house settling in, sleep pulling at his eyes until he was unable to stand. He fell asleep the second he was tucked up in bed, the feeling of being near James again more of a comfort than the familiar bed in his so-called home.

 

\------

 

The next afternoon saw Robbie sitting happily next to James in their favourite spot at the Trout, staring into the river. They’d been silent for a little while and Robbie was relishing his re-established sense of calm after a turbulent month.

“Good to be back then?” James asked blandly, seeming to read his mind. This is how it was between the two of them. James speaking impersonally so that Robbie could chose what to talk about, whether to expand on the topic or to shut him down with a one-word answer. It’s a technique that’s helped them both navigate the pricklier topics over the years, through the issues they both have with privacy and communication.

“You’ve no idea…” Robbie answered with a grimace.

“It was bad, then…” James asked tentatively, “with Laura?”

“Nah, not really. Just a bit awkward.” He rubbed his neck self-consciously. He didn’t really want to go into details but knows James won’t push, and he does deserve more of an explanation. After all, Laura is his friend too, he should know not to think badly of her.

“Being together all the time was too much. You know… exposed a few cracks an’ that.  We decided it wasn’t working, and that was fine. But we were still 4 weeks away from the end of the trip.”

“Ah.” James muttered sympathetically.

“Right. Well, anyway…that’s not the bad bit, really. We’ll always be friends and it could have ended a lot worse.”  He fiddled with his pint glass, this bit was more difficult to talk about. “Basically, I didn’t think it would do either of us any good to be under each other’s feet all that time so I…well, I sort of took a holiday.”

“You took a holiday from your holiday?” James grinned incredulously.

“Aye. Don’t start!”

“Where did you go?”

  
“Took meself off to Australia for a few weeks. Sydney. Thought I might meet up with me son. He’s been out there since, well, since after Val….”

Hathaway nodded. “And did you see him?”  


“I saw him.” Robbie stated sourly.

“Didn’t go well?” James ventured. Clearly some of the experience was showing on Robbie’s face.

“It was….like meeting a stranger, James!” Robbie exclaimed, starting to get agitated, his voice rising as tension clenched his throat. “It’s not that he wouldn’t see me. Only that it wasn’t really him, not the boy I knew.”

“He’s different than he was as a child?” James asked. “That’s no so unusual.”

“No, not _different_. Just… he was so distant. When he was a lad he was so friendly, welcoming, like. Could talk to anyone about anything. But out there…. he wouldn’t talk about his life at all and didn’t want to talk to me about mine. We just looked round at some tourist sights and sat in awkward silence.”

“You tried to talk to him?”

“Of course I tried!” He yelled, gathering annoyed stares from other drinkers trying to enjoy the Autumn air.  “He didn’t want to hear it. Wouldn’t talk about himself or invite me to his house, which was fine… but he didn’t want me to talk either. Didn’t want to hear anything about work or Laura, anything personal about me. Has this thing against the Force, too. I think it must be resentment because of all the times I missed football games or evenings at home with the kids…”  He sighed.

“Don’t know where we went so wrong, how we got so distant…” He’d thought about it a lot over the last few weeks. It was easy to brood feeling so alone in a strange city. Recently broken from Laura, being shunned by his son. Far too much time alone to think about what had gone wrong in his life.

“How did you leave things?” James asked with sympathetic affection. Trust him to focus on the practical, not let Robbie dwell on his regrets. Been doing that since the day they met.

“Told him I wanted to make things right. Offered to pay for a flight over here at Christmas, if he’ll agree to come. I know Lyn would love to see him, and he’s never even met little Jack.”

“Do you think he will?”

“I honestly have no idea.” Robbie sighed again.

“He’d be a fool to miss the opportunity to sample your Christmas cooking, Sir!” James mocked softly. He only slipped in the ‘Sir’ when he was being cheeky, so Lewis thumped him on the arm.

“My cooking is excellent, as you well know!” He grinned, pleased to be back on less emotional ground. “Gourmet chef, me!”

He could only hope that James was right, and Mark could bring himself to take to opportunity to come over and he could start to make amends.  

 


	2. Chapter 2

James was halfway through microwaving a bowl of soup when the doorbell rang. It wasn’t late. He’d only been home from work long enough to take a shower and rummage in his cupboards for something quick to eat. So when he heard Lewis’ voice shouting his name through the door he was a bit surprised – He’d left the station a few hours before James but he’d said nothing about coming over.  They’d fallen back in to a nice routine again in the few weeks since he’d returned from New Zealand, pints after work and the occasional take away, but Robbie hadn’t taken to dropping round unannounced.

Confused and anxious at what it could mean, James crossed his large, open-plan living room to open the front door.  

Lewis was facing away from the door when it opened, but even from the back James could tell he was agitated. He had that restless energy that comes from excess adrenaline, bouncing on the balls of his feet, and when he turned towards the flat, his face was red and contorted with emotion.

What had happened? It took a lot to ruffle the Inspector, and James had rarely seen him like this. A personal matter? Surely not work - they didn’t even have a case on.

Stepping aside to make space in the doorway, he only noticed the letter clutched in Robbie’s hand when it was thrust into his body as he passed.

“Read It!” Robbie demanded gesturing to the paper he’d pushed into his arms. He paced up and down restlessly, suit rumpled and tie pulled out at an angle. Still in his work clothes, James realised. He must have found this letter as soon as he got home and been working himself up into this state ever since. What could it possibly contain to warrant this reaction?

“I need you to…I can’t…” He stammered, again pointing to the letter. Skittish, eyes darting around the room, hands raking through his hair. Distressed, agitated, angry perhaps, Hathaway couldn’t tell exactly but he had to fight the urge take him into his arms, run his own fingers through that gently greying hair. It hurt to see him in pain and not be able to give him the physical comfort he needed.

James looked down and studied the letter. Airmail envelope with an Australian stamp and postmark, address written in tidy, deliberate writing. He unfolded the battered letter, fingering the delicate blue airmail paper carefully. He already knew who the letter would be from. Only one person Robbie knew in Australia who could cause him this much distress.

“Mark?” He questioned anyway, just to show Lewis he was giving this his full attention.

James was apprehensive about what the letter might contain. Was this the response to his Christmas invite? He dearly hoped Mark hadn’t pushed his dad away. Despite letting their relationship deteriorate over the years, he knew Robbie loved his children. And he couldn’t bear to think that Mark might decide to give up on him, or consider how broken Robbie would be if he did. 

He started to read in silence, rapidly captivated by the surprising content. Robbie didn’t speak further or try to intervene.

The letter, it turned out, was not an outright refusal to come for Christmas, nor a wish to keep his distance with Robbie. But rather an ultimatum. Mark explained in proud and provocative language how he wanted his Dad to know he’s gay, that he has a long term boyfriend and that he will not even consider coming back to the UK if those things are not accepted thoroughly. The letter was brash and defiant and only just on the right side of confrontational, a demand for Robbie to declare his unequivocal support or give up on their relationship. 

This information coupled with Robbie’s distress caused a cold clench around James’ heart. It was all very well for Robbie to have said all those years ago ‘If my boy was…It just wouldn’t matter’. But now that it is? It doesn’t make sense with everything that he knows about Lewis, everything they’ve been through together. But James was wounded– his personal feelings for Lewis crushing in on him, words going slightly blurry on the page. He couldn’t think of anything except the fear of himself being found out and turned away. He slowly became aware of Robbie’s voice and struggled to make out the quiet broken words.

“How could he think that I…” muttered Robbie. “Thinking I could…”

The cold fear released James as his senses came back to him at these half-sentences. The rational part of his brain retook control and realised what this was really about. It suddenly seemed clear – rather than be upset at the declaration, Lewis was destroyed by the assumption that he wouldn’t approve, that he wouldn’t be supportive. Upset at his morals being questioned, his decency, his humanity.

At least he didn’t see that moment of James’ doubt, seen how he’d also worried that he _was_ that bigoted.… James pulled his thoughts together quickly. Lewis needed him to be supportive right now, not wallowing in guilt at his own misjudgement of the situation.

“He really doesn’t know you very well, does he?” said James softly, coming to stand close to Robbie near the sofa. He folded up the letter and carefully pushed it back into its envelope.

Robbie looked at Hathaway with wide eyes and sighed a long breath, perhaps in relief that James had been able to see why he was so upset.

“I know we’re not close, haven’t been in years. But surely he knows I’d never …reject him. That’s what he’s saying, isn’t it? He thinks I’ll not want anything more to do with him, just cause he’s gay.”

“That does seem to be the gist of it.”

“It’s this bit that gets me…” Robbie pulled out the letter and scanned through it until he found the right passage. He started reading aloud in disbelieving huffs. “My memories of England are of hiding who I am, and you’re a part of that…  I’m sorry that I’ve had to disappoint you like this but I don’t care about your macho job or how you look in front of your mates -your son’s a fairy, and I’m not coming back to the UK to hide that…”

He stopped and collapsed down onto the sofa, unable to go on reading.

 “He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that” James said, gently folding himself into the space next to Robbie “… Shouldn’t have assumed he knew what you would think. Should have talked to you in person too, when he had the chance. But he didn't. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Let this fester? Resent his bad opinion of you?”

“Why am I finding this so difficult?”

“Because you love him.”

“Yeah, and he obviously hates me!”

 “Robbie.” James said, still in his calm, soft voice. Intimate and close. “He’s probably just scared. There’s a lot at stake here.” James has no doubt that this letter has cost Mark a lot and if they can’t find a way through this it could be decades before the rift can be healed.

“Too right there is… If I mess this up…”

“You won’t. You’ll find the right thing to say.”

“What’d’ you suggest?” Robbie sat up straighter for a moment then shrugged defeatedly. “What can I possibly say to him to make this right?”

  
“Tell him the truth, that you love him no matter what.”

“But is that enough? I want him to know that I support him, not just put up with it – that’s what he’s asking for isn’t it. He’s asking for real acceptance but how can I show that when he’s not given me the chance?” Robbie was getting agitated again, frustration huffing with every breath.

 “You show him you’ve supported someone else.” James replied calmly. He paused and looked up at Robbie nervous but resolute. He knew what he had to say, the only help he could offer right now. “You tell him ….you tell him you’ve worked with a gay man nearly every day for the past nine years.” He held his breath as he watched the impact of that statement hit.

“You?” Robbie looked up, shocked.

“Well, more or less. Either way it should help you explain?” He glanced at Robbie who still looked gobsmacked. “Oh! Don’t act so surprised, I know you’ve wondered.”

Robbie shook himself back into life. “Not surprised at that, man, rather that you’ve told me...Actually said it rather than using some code or other!”

James remembered Yorkie bars and a Loaded magazine a quirked a smile.

 “I’m becoming more comfortable with it.” He wrung his hands nervously, paused to collect himself and chose his words carefully. “You _have_ supported me, you know. Even when I didn’t know I was struggling. After…the thing with Will, never pushed me again to define myself, never questioned me when I was struggling with the couple of women I’ve seen. And don’t think I didn’t notice you switched to gender neutral pronouns!”

Robbie gave him a smile at that. His spirits seemed to be rallying, the tension falling from his weathered face.

“So? Will that be enough to convince him?” James asked timidly.

Robbie thought for a minute, turning over the letter in his hands. 

“Not sure. Think it’ll help. But he’s got this thing against the Force, not sure if I should mention work. Better to ignore the colleague part.” He twisted round on the edge of the sofa until he could look at Hathaway properly. “Be much better to be a personal thing wouldn’t it… tell him…tell him me best mate’s gay? That might do it?” 

He looked at James for a long moment as they had a silent conversation. They’d never described each other ‘best mates’ but in the circumstances it meant a lot to James that this was something Robbie was comfortable with.

“I’d think so.”

“Well, that’s sorted then. I’ll email him tomorrow” He collapsed back into the sofa looking almost back to his normal self.  James was surprised at how quickly his turmoil had been resolved, but then Robbie always responded well to a plan of action. As long as he had a game plan, he seemed to be able to get through most difficulties. It was problems with no obvious solutions that made him really struggle. Now he had a way to reach out to Mark, James knew he’d attack it with his usual bullheadedness. He was sure they’d make it up in no time.

“James?”   

“Hmmm?” He answered distractedly, still pondering the workings of Robbie’s mind.

“Thanks for telling me.”

They smiled at each other until James turned away and Robbie slapped his hands down onto his knees and declared “Right, that’s enough emotional turmoil for one night. Don’t suppose you’d be up for a takeaway?”

James thought of the half-heated soup, long forgotten in the microwave and thought that sounded an excellent idea.


	3. Chapter 3

Robbie cornered James at the station a couple of days later to tell him the good news.

 “Thought you’d like to know I had a nice email back from Mark. We’ve sorted things out, I reckon. Told him ‘bout you, and he apologised for expecting the worst from me.”

“I’m glad.” James smiled. “You happier about it now?”

“Yep. He’s given me the chance to put things right. Get to know him like I should’ve years ago…Gonna Skype him at the weekend - Want him to tell me all about this fella of his!” Robbie beamed.

He was dead pleased, Mark had seemed suitably appeased by his email and open to further communication. There was still a long way for them to go, but he felt they had at least started to listen to each other, and all thanks to James’ gift of honesty.

\------

Their first Skype call was difficult at first, memories of the tense silence filling their meeting in Australia echoed in their minds. Robbie wasn’t all too keen on seeing himself on the screen, and it felt awkward to sit and look at each other, but Mark suggested they both get beers and pretend to be sitting across from each other in a pub, and it seemed to do the trick. They both relaxed a little and ended up speaking for over an hour. Robbie was pleased to find Mark much more willing to talk than he’d been in Australia, much more like the chatterbox he’d been as a child.  Mark seemed just as surprised by his dad’s attitude.

 “You seem so different to how you were when you visited.” Mark declared towards the end of the conversation.  “More relaxed and happy. You were too sad when you were out here, a real grump!”

“Well, I wasn’t in a great place then.” Admitted Robbie. “Seeing you was grand and all but me and Laura had just called it a day and I was missing home, missing James as well, I guess.”  This revelation had only come after he returned and realised how right it felt to be back side by side with the man.

“Tell me about him.”

“James?”

“Well, you didn’t talk about him when you were out here.” Mark said with a bit of a sulk.  Robbie flinched at the tone which reminded him of teenage arguments and slammed doors.

 “You didn’t want to talk about the job, did you!” He responded shortly. “Or about me personal life!”

Mark sighed and his voice shifted from sulky to earnest. “Sure- that was my fault.” He raised his hands in supplication. “I admit it. I was rude and distant from worrying about your reaction, and I didn’t want to hear about you. I didn’t want the conversation to go anywhere near anything personal so you couldn’t ask me anything like that. I knew I wouldn’t have been able to lie to you, and I didn’t have the nerve to tell you face to face. I am sorry about that, Dad. It was stupid of me.”  
  
“My fault too, lad. I’ve not changed so much. Talking’s hard – old Northern chap like meself. One thing I like about James, that is – we don’t really need words to understand each other.”

“Ok. But I’m afraid this isn’t going to work if _we_ can’t talk – In fact, I’ve decided I’m just going to have to train you up!” He sniggered but had a glint in his eye that meant he was only half joking.

After that first call Robbie chatted to him on Skype at least once a week over the next few months, and talked about all sorts of things. After all, they had almost 10 years to catch up on, and Robbie was starting to realise that he had more than enough to find out about Mark’s childhood too. Learning just how distant he’d been as a father was quite shocking – he had always thought they’d muddled through ok. Yes, there were the missed dinners, football matches and concerts, but he could remember happy times too. Apparently though, when you’re a wee lad, the absences took on more importance. Mark admitted that his reluctance to talk about Robbie’s job was due to his hatred of Morse and his monopoly on his dad’s time.

Despite the confrontational tone of his letter, he found that Mark was actually very calm and more than willing to be emotionally open. Mark claimed to have been coached into talking about his feelings by his boyfriend, who liked to ‘analyse everything to death’.

 It was difficult to get used to at first. Him and Val had never argued much and before her death he’d been more easy going, so they never really needed heart-to-hearts. Laura had never expected him to talk about anything deeper than what to have for dinner. Just rolled her eyes at his reluctance, muttering something that could have been ‘Men!’ And James, well…they didn’t need words. Although sometimes he did wonder whether their non-verbal shorthand really conveyed everything it needed to. He hadn’t known James was struggling with his sexuality all that time, had he? Suspected sometimes, maybe, but that’s not the same as knowing and discussing it. He hadn’t been able to really _help_ at all. If he was more like Mark would they have been able to talk about it earlier?

It wasn’t just the merits of communication that Mark was teaching him. He was also forcing him to be more self-reflective than he’d ever been. Never one for examining his own motivations or desires, he suddenly found himself having to think about himself and his life so he could explain himself to Mark and answer his excessive questions.

All the while James stood as a sort of bridge between them. A common point and symbol of their mutual acceptance.

Unsurprisingly Mark was very keen to hear about this gay best mate of his dad’s, as well as talk about their friendship. It was, after all, the proof Robbie had given of his acceptance.

He was asked all sorts of questions, most of which he had to admit to not being able to answer.

An offhand remark one afternoon of “doesn’t James have a boyfriend then?” had led Robbie to have an uncomfortable mini-crisis mid-call. A thrill of horror surged through him at the question and a tight knot of discomfort settled deep in his stomach. 

He didn’t know why the thought shocked him so much, or why he’d never thought to ask Hathaway the question. Of course it was possible the lad had a boyfriend. He didn’t necessarily tell Robbie everything, and they didn’t spend _all_ their free time together.  Could that be why he was more comfortable with the whole thing now? Because his feelings were focused on a specific person? 

“Don’t you know? Honestly Dad!” Mark exclaimed as he stalled to answer. “You call yourself his friend!”

Robbie could only shake his head. He didn’t know, did he. Never bloody well asked! 

 “I thought you supported his sexuality, not ignored it.” Mark said crossly.  “Don’t you ever _talk_ about relationships?”

“We don’t really talk like that, Mark! We just sort of hang out, you know, work, pub, telly.”

“You’re such a bloke!” He shook his head in exasperation.

“Surely that’s not news to you!”

Mark laughed, distorting the skype signal so it went crackly. “No. But don’t you want to know more about him? Aren’t you curious?”

“Sometimes, I suppose.” Robbie accepted. Perhaps he _was_ ignoring the issue because it felt uncomfortable. 

“Well then!” He said, like that was settled. “Next time we talk I want a full report!”

Robbie rolled his eyes, huffed at Mark and changed the subject, but the thought stayed with him all week. Was he uncomfortable with the thought of James in a relationship? Was it because it would be another secret kept from him? Another thing he didn't feel he could share? Or was it something else? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much James this time, just Lewis chatting with his son. Apologies if it moves too fast - only summarising their conversations, but I felt it was too much to write them verbatim!


	4. Chapter 4

James took a deep swig of his beer and sunk down into his chair. It had been a long old week. Christmas was fast approaching, or so the relentless festive tv adverts and shop displays would have you believe. Goodwill to all men, however, was not to be found in Oxford, where a number of violent assaults had been carried out on the students of Somerville College.

Work on the case had been tedious as the usual wall of silence stood between the upper echelons of the university and the police presence they saw as intrusive. Even worse, Lewis had been assigned to a different investigation so James had barely seen him all week.

All he needed now was a calm pint and a chance to unwind before the next case hit. They were in the perfect setting for this to happen. Lazing in armchairs in front of a gently burning fire, nestled deep in the warmth of an ancient, traditional pub, walls clad in horse brasses and photographs of bygone Oxford.

But he couldn’t quite relax fully. He sensed a restlessness in Robbie, who kept looking over, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head in concentration. He was obviously trying to work something out, but then would shake his head slightly and turn back to contemplating the bottom of his pint glass.

James was tempted to pre-empt the inevitable question that Robbie was working up to ask. On another night, another year, he would have run away from the intrusion into his personal life. Would have rather left this sanctuary than bare even the tiniest part of his closely guarded inner-life.

Today he would stay. The urge to flee was still there nagging at him, but he was trying to overcome the impulse.

He’d got off lightly really, after his disclosure to Robbie all those weeks ago, the night of Mark’s letter.  At first, he’d constantly anticipated an Inspector level interrogation of his love life and sexual history and had rehearsed a number of avoidance strategies and evasive answers. A cunning strategy was of course needed if he was to continue to conceal his long-term infatuation, especially from such an astute detective.  After nearly three months of waiting, however, his nervousness had turned to impatience, and he almost welcomed the conversation if only to get it over and done with.

Robbie had proved himself, hadn’t he? The way he’d reacted to and treated his son. The fact that he’d been able to persuade Mark to come and visit for Christmas, a trip now confirmed, showed himself to be non-judgemental and supportive.

Robbie often treated him to snippets of his Skype conversations with Mark, or showed him Whatsapp pictures he’d been sent, so he had some idea of the wide range of topics they had talked about. Frankly alarming sometimes.  Like when Robbie tuned to him and casually asked if he’d heard of an ‘app thing’ called Grindr.

So, yes, tonight he would talk.

He’d just finished his second pint when Robbie finally spoke, blurting out in the silence.  “Apparently I haven’t been a very good friend.” 

“No?” James placed his empty glass back on the table and looked up speculatively.

“No… I have it on good authority that I should have talked to you about relationships an’ that. What with how you’re me best friend and all.”

“Is that right?” He raised an eyebrow teasingly, but seeing the discomfort in Robbie’s face, added a gentle assurance. “It’s ok, go ahead.”

“You know I’ve been talking to Mark?” He started hesitantly. James nodded. “Well, he asked me some questions about you…Nothing too personal, like….but I couldn’t answer him.”

“Ok….”

“So…I thought I should, you know, ask…” Robbie nervously pulled at his tie.

“What would _Mark_ like to know?” James asked. He tried to keep a steady voice, a bit of cheek to mask his fluttering nerves.

“Well…he wanted to know if you’ve got a boyfriend…And I thought, maybe there was someone and that was why you’re more…confident…about things.” He was rambling in embarrassment. He stopped and cleared his throat. “Was there?...Is there?... Someone who sparked this off for you, I mean, made you realise?”

It wasn’t _exactly_ the question he’d been expecting, so James was quiet for a minute, deliberating his answer. Robbie obviously took the silence for avoidance, despite James agreeing to hear the question, and jumped in to stop the conversation. “Aw, you don’t have to tell me lad. I’m sorry for sticking my nose in!”

“No…It’s not…It’s fine for you to ask.” James stammered.  “It’s just difficult…” He scratched the back of his head absent-mindedly as he sought for the right way to say something without giving himself away. Without it being obvious to Robbie that is was him who caused the revelations. 

“It _was_ a particular man who made all of the difference, opened my eyes to parts of myself I didn’t know existed. Or rather did know, but tried to ignore ….” He swallowed several times, mouth dry, nerves fluttering in his stomach. “Being around him … all those feelings …they started bubbling up from where they were buried. Because of him I was simply unable to ignore them anymore.”

James halted and looked up at Robbie to check his expression. He was looking away, but James could see he was giving his total concentration to what he was saying.

 ‘He had awakened an itch, had released a gnaw in me*.’ James quoted, waiting for a response. A quotation was part of the rhythm of their private language, the signal James had said all he wanted to.

Eventually Robbie turned his head to look across at him,

 “Sounds a bit painful that!”

James smiled but shrugged his eyebrows in concession. It was painful, wasn’t it. To be in love. An exquisite agony.

“So there isn’t a man in your life then?” Robbie asked, brighter and louder than the last part of the conversation. Were they back back to their normal joking and teasing now?

 “Apart from you, sir?” James joked back. Sir in place again as a sign post to sarcasm, in case Robbie listened a bit too hard and found some truth in those words.  Robbie rolled his eyes.

The conversation stopped as the barman came around to collect their empty glasses. James decided it was definitely time for another round. By the time he came back from the bar Robbie was looking thoughtful again.

“Have you told anyone else?” He asked when they’d both resettled with their refreshed pints. “Come out, like?”

“I have actually….” James felt shy again, but proud too. “Telling you was quite…freeing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So I talked to the guys in the band…well, Oliver our lute player is gay, so I knew they’d be cool.”

Robbie nodded, encouraging him.

“And I …uh…told my sister.”

“Really?”

James smirked, enjoying the surprise he had caused. He stretched out his long legs and swilled his beer.

“It was actually to stop her nagging me. She thinks she knows everything about me, and how I should live my life – even though we’ve never been close. I thought it might shock her into getting off my back – show her I’m not as predictable and boring as she likes to think!”

“And did it?”

“Turns out being a bit gay isn’t all that shocking.” James admitted. “She just switched her nagging to suit the new information.” He rolled his eyes in a what-can-i-do shrug. Robbie eyes twinkled in amusement.

 James continued, surprising himself at how calm he felt having this conversation.

“I thought it would be more of a big deal to come out a bit later in life, but it’s been surprisingly ok.”

“It’s a new world, lad, Mark’s teaching me that. You can be whatever you want!” Robbie punctuated the sentence with sweeping gestures of his clutched glass. James followed his hand as it moved, trying not to openly stare at him.

“How beauteous mankind is!” He quoted.  “O brave new world that has such people in it.**”

“Shakespeare?”

“We’ll make you a scholar yet, Sir!” He drawled.

“Just for that..” Robbie nudged him with his foot.“...You can get the next round!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James Quotes:  
> * James Baldwin - Giovanni's Room   
> ** Shakespeare - The Tempest


	5. Chapter 5

Robbie was in the middle of decorating the house as the call came through.

“Woah!” cried Mark, as soon as the camera flickered into life and he saw the state of Robbie’s living room. “Explosion in a tinsel factory, Dad!”

“Oh, yeah…” Robbie looked around a bit embarrassed, it was true he might have been a bit more enthusiastic about Christmas this year and may have got a little carried away whilst shopping. But it was a special year, wasn’t it, his family reunited, he wanted to make a proper job of it.

“Anyone would think it was Christmas!” Mark joked.

“Yep, thought I should get a shufty on. You know I said how particular Jack is about the decorations!” He gestured to the blue tinsel draped over the sofa, ready to be hung on the tree. Lyn and Tim hated the stuff but Jack loved the blue kind, and his Grandad had to indulge him.

“Yeah…can’t wait to meet the little guy.”

“It’s weird you know….” Robbie huffed, regarding Mark on the screen.

“What?”

“Seeing you there in your summer shorts, all tanned, like, while I’m over here freezing me arse off and covered in tinsel.”

“Yeah, the cold is not something I’m really looking forward to.” Mark admitted. “Even had to buy some jumpers this week – which was something of a challenge!”

“How are you then? All ready for the trip over?” He couldn’t believe how close they were, only a week to go.

“Yep, all sorted. Found the passport, bought a good book…. Oh! and wrapped Paul’s presents!” Mark gestured over to a mound of red and silver just in view at the back of the room.

“I’m sorry you can’t be together for Christmas…” Robbie said, aware that he’d asked a lot of his son to be away from his partner for the holidays. But Mark didn’t seem to mind, he just shrugged.

“It’s fine, he’s got to work over it and go and visit his family, so he’d hardy be around anyway.”

“Ah, well, that’s ok then.” He didn’t add how much of relief this was – not to have another reason for Mark to resent him. They’d got through most of the residual ill feeling, if they could just keep from creating any more he knew everything would be ok between them again.

“So…” Mark questioned, raising his eyebrows meaningfully.  

“What?”

“James!” He cried. “I know you remember! Did you talk to him?”

“Yes…” Robbie waved his hand dismissively. “But before that I want you to tell me about your Paul.”

“I’ve already told you loads about him…” Mark replied, confused. He was right, seeing as they’d been a couple for years and lived together, his boyfriend had featured in many of their chats. Robbie had even spoken to him briefly a couple of times as he milled around in the background of the camera.

“Yeah but could you tell me … how you knew he was the one for you?” Robbie asked.

 After speaking to James he had a lot of feelings he needed to sort out. Pieces of a puzzle he was only halfway putting together.  The reason why he felt so right when he was with James, his difficulty thinking about him having a boyfriend. He thought it might help to hear a bit more about Paul.

If Mark found anything strange about the request he didn’t show it. He loved talking about his relationship and quickly got into his stride, telling their story.

“Well, we started off as friends, this was a year or so after I’d moved out here. He was going out with a mate of mine and we all used to go clubbing together as a big group. We realised we had loads in common and started hanging out on our own, just odd drinks here and there at first, then takeaway and video game nights, that sort of thing.”

“Yeah?” Robbie prompted, shaking Mark back from a brief pause, deep in recollection.

“Then he broke up with his boyfriend so we started spending all of our time together, not just those lad nights, but pretty much every day after work we’d find an excuse to see each other.  One day I realised he meant so much more to me than any other friends I’d ever had. Even ones I’d known for years.” He paused, his eyes bright with cherished memories.

“I’d always thought he was fit, so that wasn’t new, but I realised I wanted to be with him all the time too, be close to him. Couldn’t bear to think of him with someone else. I wanted to be with him forever, you know.”

Robbie started to think he might know, actually. He felt a tight twist in his stomach and a few little butterflies starting to flutter, nerves making themselves known, but he forced himself to keep on listening. It was important that he stayed present in these conversations, as precious as they were.

“I could imagine us living together, fantasised about it, about coming home to him.” Mark continued.  “and that’s not just fancying someone a bit, is it? Or just having a best mate. I’d never wanted that before- but with him, I knew it was what I wanted, and I was right. It was a relief when he made a move to be honest!”

“Mark…” Robbie choked out around a tight throat. “I’m really happy for you.” Tangled emotions were churning him up and making speech difficult. His deep gratitude to Paul for making his son so happy, mixed with a cocktail of anticipation and confusion surrounding his feelings for James.

“Thanks Dad.” Mark replied, seriously. “I only wish that you could be as happy….”

His picture suddenly froze and the sound started to distort, robotic juddering squeaks coming from the speakers. Mark must have continued to speak though as Robbie heard the tail end of the sentence  “…. Know you broke up with Laura, but isn’t there anyone else in your life?”

Robbie blushed as the thought of James flashed through his mind.

“Dad?”

“I’ll get back to you on that one, Mark. Bit too much for me old brain to comprehend right now.”

“Fine!”  Skype crackled as the camera images flashed on and off. Obviously there were some issues tonight with the internet signal somewhere between Sydney and Oxford.  

“Well, don’t think I’ve forgotten we were going to talk about James!” Mark added, like he would ever leave anything like that alone. Robbie knew him too well at this point, he’d only been able to prolong the agony by a few minutes with his question about Paul.

“Ah, right.” He braced himself to deliver the debrief as impartially as possible, unsure whether he’d be able to conceal his thrill at the conversation they had had. The tantalising fragments of himself James had revealed. Even though he’d only said a couple of sentences, Robbie knew him well enough to extrapolate a full-length novel from those few words. He could see James, living with this unrequited passion burning in his heart, letting it consume him until it became too much to bear. He had barely been able to think of anything else since, James’ words reverberating around his head, stuck like a snippet of an annoying pop song. Only this was James’ lovely deep voice, so much less irritating than a pop melody, but just as distracting.

“You did talk to him?” The signal distorted again, sending Mark offscreen once more.

“Yeah, I did. You were right…It was good.” He acknowledged.

“So what did he say?” 

“Uh…There was someone, I think. A man who he had feelings for. Don’t know as they were actually involved, mind...Just someone stirred him up enough so he was forced to listen to his heart.”

“Any…..” Static filled the microphone. “who….” 

The call ended and Robbie sighed. He redialled and waited for the call to connect again. Mark’s face flashed onto the screen.

“Sorry! Bit of difficulty today!” Mark apologised, although the internet quality had nothing to do with him. He sometimes took it for granted that they’d be able to speak face to face, as though they weren’t at opposite sides of the world.

“Technology, eh!”

“Anyway… James….” Mark stubbornly came back to the topic.

“Ah, give over lad.” Robbie was starting to get annoyed at the questions, feeling a bit too much like the gossipy old women always chattering to his mam back in the day.

The signal started to fail again.

 “Dad… Are you…” Mark started to ask then stopped abruptly. Robbie just got one glimpse of his face, utterly appalled at himself before the camera cut out.

“What?”

“No! It was just a thought.” Although Robbie could only hear his voice, embarrassment was evident.

“Go on, lad.” Robbie urged. Mark was rarely embarrassed and tended to ask whatever question was on his mind. It was intriguing to know what he felt he couldn’t say. “I’d like to think we’ve got to a point where you could say anything to me. I won’t take offense. Promise!”

The camera came back on to Mark’s flushed face, staring down at the desk his computer was perched on, fiddling with something off screen.

“It’s just… well, are you the man? James’ man?”

Robbie was taken aback by the question, although James had been on his mind he didn’t realise he was transparent enough for Mark realise. He opened his mouth to try and articulate a response (even though he couldn’t think what that could possibly be) but Mark jumped in before he had a chance.

“No! Don’t answer. I’m sorry. I’m being stupid.”

“It’s not stupid Mark. Far from it.” For all he didn’t know what to say about Hathaway and himself there was no way he wanted Mark to feel stupid for asking the question.  “Must’ve done something right” He joked, playing for time to get his thoughts in order. “Raised a good detective in you!”

Mark stayed silent, watching his dad cautiously, waiting to see if he was going to continue the conversation.

“I ….I hadn’t thought so, before.” Robbie stammered. Damn, this was difficult. He took another breath and tried again. “Only talking to you over the weeks, has made me realise how much he does for me, how he is with me.”

“You do seem to spend a lot of time together…”

“Yeah. So, maybe I am….”

Embarrassment washed over him, there was a limit to what he wanted to talk about with his son, regardless of how close they were these days. Mark didn’t seem to mind though, he tilted his head thoughtfully and smiled softly.

“But you’ve never… I mean there’s nothing actually gone on?”

“Howay man!”

“But you’d like there to?”

Robbie flushed bright red but before he could reply the signal failed again and the call cut off.

“Shit!” He cried, “Ruddy thing!” But at least the pressure was off him thinking of an answer to that question.

*Ping*  A message came through on the Skype chat.

Mark: Can’t believe it cut off just as things were getting interesting!

Robbie: Just as well! Think that’ll do for today.

Mark: LOL! I’ll let you off this time, but we’re going to finish this conversation!

Robbie: Bye Mark.

He signed off and went to lie down on his tinsel covered sofa. He had a lot to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... I was initially going to get to this point 2 chapters ago but it felt more realistic to have Robbie go through a bit of a process first. Also I wanted to explore how Mark would help his dad open up a bit. Hope you enjoy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Took a bit of wrangling this one. Was planning for this to be the last chapter but I got a bit carried away and there will have to be another one!

“Robbie, that was delicious!” declared James, patting his stomach after completely clearing his plate.

“No need to look so surprised!” Replied Robbie, mock-indignant. “Even I can rustle up a decent steak and onion pie!” No need for him to know he’d practiced it earlier in the week, to make sure he’d actually be able to produce something edible.

He could of course have ordered takeaway, but due to their work schedule the pleasures of ordering in had become a bit routine, and for this evening he wanted something a little bit special. Not only was it only two days until Chrismas Eve, but Mark was due into Heathrow mid-morning the next day.  So this was Robbie’s last day on his own before his family descended and therefore also his last chance to talk to James before Christmas.  He had to find a way to discuss what was going on between them.  

He didn’t think he could face Mark being there without having said anything.  James had been invited over on Christmas Day, and the thought of the two of them being there together… He couldn’t take the chance of Mark letting something slip. However hard it was going to be to talk to James tonight, to get him to accept his feelings and admit his own, it would be far preferable to it coming from a stranger. He, at least, knew how to read the man, to know what to look out for and when to step away or push a bit harder. Check the walls weren’t coming down, hiding his hurt behind heavily fortified defences. He didn’t know quite how he was going to approach the conversation. He had a few ideas but decided he’d go with his instinct, let it come naturally. James was easily spooked, on edge at the merest hint of emotion, so it had to be done delicately.  

He’d planned the evening only subtly, issuing a casual invitation but making sure Lizzie made James get off from work early so he could get round in good time. That and deciding to cook, which turned out to be a great idea.  It did feel different to sit opposite each other, bottle of wine between them, than on the sofa eating out of cartons with a couple of beers.

They had spent the meal chatting about work, until James asked about Robbie’s plans for the big family reunion.

“Well, I’ll pick Mark up tomorrow, and Lyn an’ Tim’ll be down Sunday with Jack – give Mark a bit of time to get over the jetlag.” He told James.

“Laura doesn’t mind you taking over her house for Christmas then?”

“Nah, it’s good to be used. Not sure she’ll be back for it, at any rate. Think she may have found herself a dishy New Zealander!”

He’d been in regular contact with her since he’d got back. Emails and a couple of Skype chats when he’d got his confidence with the technology. She’d recently been talking a lot about some chap called Nick that she worked with, and he knew her well enough to sense a romance bubbling.

“Are you still looking for a new house or are you going to stay here and see whether or not she comes back?” James asked.

Robbie shrugged.

“Still thinking. I might know more after Christmas.” He was hoping that in time the decision might become a different one altogether. After speaking to Mark about his domestic life with Paul, he’d started fantasising about sharing a house with Hathaway. Thinking about all of the things he missed from Val and Laura, and what it would be like to have James settled there with him. Even if things don’t go well tonight, he hopes they might be able to find a way to have part of that dream; flat mates perhaps.

Robbie went to the kitchen to retrieve one of the boxes of Christmas biscuits he’d stocked up on.  

“No pudding,” He declared. “But thought I might crack these out if you’ve got room.”

“I’ve always got room for chocolate biscuits!” James grinned. He had a ridiculously sweet tooth for someone so skinny. Not skinny, Robbie’s brain supplied, slim. Toned, maybe. Sometimes he forgot there was a muscled ex-rower hiding beneath those tight shirts.  Tonight, he was dressed casually so there were no straining shirt buttons for Robbie to fixate on. Instead his eyes kept drifting to the tiny jut of collar bone just visible at the neckline of his long sleeved t-shirt. Now that he’d become aware of his feelings he allowed himself to indulge in looking. Hell, perhaps if James noticed his fascination with his body the conversation might be a bit more straightforward. It would at least break the ice.

Robbie steered them both through into the lounge, placed the biscuits on the coffee table, poured them both another glass of wine and sat down on the sofa. James joined him, shoulder to shoulder, as usual. The atmosphere changed somehow as they sat down together, he wasn’t sure whether James felt it too, but perhaps he would put it down to the seasonal decorations or the twinkling fairy lights on the tree.

James leaned over to grab a chocolate hobnob, then slouched back onto the sofa and put his long legs up on the bottom rung of the coffee table.

“Are you worried about seeing Mark again?” Hathaway asked softly. “After Sydney…”

“Nah, we’ll be grand!” Robbie pitched himself forward to nab a custard cream from the box.

 “I’m glad you’ve been getting to know him more.” James said sincerely, whilst munching on his biscuit. “You seem happier…brighter somehow.”

“I am, I think.” Robbie smiled, feeling the truth of those words. The all-consuming loneliness of that hotel room in Australia, empty of James and estranged from his son, seemed so far away he could hardly remember it.    “You’ll be able to meet him soon too. You will be coming here on Christmas Day, right?”

“Pass up on the chance to meet a younger, gayer version of you? Never Sir!”

“Don’t go getting any ideas, you!” He elbowed James in the ribs with a chuckle.

“Don’t worry! There’s only one Lewis for me.” James deadpanned. It should have been funny but it fell flat somehow between them. A bit too much truth, and they both knew it.

“James…” Robbie ventured, seeing an opportunity to talk.

 Hathaway wasn’t looking at him, in fact he seemed to be doing everything he could to avoid his eyes. The air around them was becoming tense but Robbie ploughed on.

 “Listen. I’ve been doing a lot of talking recently, with Mark. We’ve been having some good, deep conversations. We’ve been really trying to explain things to each other…”

“So things are all good between you two?” James jumped in at the hint of a pause. Redirection, clearly trying to get the conversation away from his faux pas a few moments ago.

Robbie was not having any of it. He was too skilled an investigator to be distracted from his line of questioning. 

“They are now.” He replied.  “Since I talked to him about you.”

“I thought you’d done that ages ago?” James looked up in surprise, turning his face towards Robbie for the first time since the conversation began.  

“I mean, since I told him _more_ about you.” He paused. “ …Me and you, really.”

“I don’t…”

“It was hard to get through to him, but I reckon I did it in the end.” Lewis affected the air of casual conversation, even though his heart had started to race. He angled his body further towards the centre of the sofa, so he could see James properly.  “I mean I can’t really disprove of him having a boyfriend when I’ve practically got one meself!”  

“What!...” James spluttered, dribbling wine down his front from an Ill-timed sip. “Ah, Shit!”

He stood up and went to the kitchen to dab himself clean.

 After a few minutes Robbie became slightly afraid he’d done a runner, but then he re-appeared with the wine bottle and topped up their glasses before sitting down again, quiet but focused.  

“You know how I was, that night I came over.” Robbie continued.  “How upset I was?”

“Yes…” James nodded, not quite looking over but concentrating hard on the conversation.

“Couldn’t work out why it bothered me so much, him thinking I could have a problem with his being gay.”

“Of course it would bother you…”James started to explain. Robbie smiled at the sincere defence of his actions. James once again backing him up.

 “No, it wasn’t whatever you think. Not about his opinion of me, or hurt pride, or guilt. Not really.”

James frowned at this confession. Confusion knitting his brows together and teeth worrying his bottom lip.

“What I was really struggling with, was…well…” He took a breath and braced himself.  “How could I bloody well be homophobic when I feel this way about you!”

He slid his hand on top of James’, where it was busy fiddling with the label on his beer bottle and tried to let everything he was feeling show in his face.  At the touch of Robbie’s hand the fidgeting stopped and he froze, face as blank as Robbie’s was expressive.

“I don’t understand…” James whispered.

  
“There’s a first time for everything.” Robbie chuckled softly. He was buzzing, revved up and reckless, ready for action. “And speaking of first times… there’s one I’ve been dreaming of….” He kept hold of James’ hand and leant in quickly to brush a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

James stayed completely still until Robbie had moved away again and released his hand. Then he brought his hand up to his lips and went an astonishing colour of pink.

“Robbie, I never thought…”

“I know you didn’t, lad. Came as a bit of a surprise to me too!”  He laughed, but at Hathaway’s startled face he added kindly “Doesn’t mean it isn’t true, mind.”

James gave him an incredulous look, still shell shocked and flushed.         

Robbie suddenly became worried. Although reticent, James was not usually one for cowardice. Once called upon, he always followed where Robbie led.  “I _am_ right, aren’t I? You do…” The rubbed at his chin nervously. “When you spoke about someone…uh…provoking your feelings…That was me, right? Only you were being a bit cryptic!” He waited with his breath held.

James’ eyes widened fractionally then closed tight. He waited a moment longer then nodded and Robbie let out his breath in a triumphant grin.

“Well, then!” He said happily, as if everything was settled.

James opened his eyes to stare again, still unconvinced.  

Robbie pulled his leg up underneath him so he could twist round further in his seat. He brought his inside hand up to brush the back of James’ neck, and the other to rest on his thigh, slowly, so he’d have time to process the gestures and move away if he needed to. With no protest he kept them there, stroking softly as he spoke.

“This isn’t a sudden impulse, you know. It’s been building for weeks, if not years. You and Mark have just helped me figure it out is all. Like you said – been bubbling up all over the place... and he was telling me about his boyfriend and how they were friends first but then things developed. I knew exactly what he meant James. This is not like any friendship I’ve ever had, surely you can see that.”  


“I wouldn’t know.” James muttered quietly, no doubt referencing his lack of both previous relationships and ‘best friends’.

Robbie squeezed his thigh and nudged him with his shoulder.

“Well, I haven’t got any other friends that I get seethingly jealous of, just thinking about them being in a relationship with someone else. Nor any that I’d like to spend every day with, if possible, for the rest of my life. And I certainly haven’t got any other friends that I could happily snog senseless on this sofa for the rest of the evening before inviting them to check out the health benefits of my orthopaedic mattress….”

He looked at James, willing him to commit, to believe, to shut his massive brain up for just one minute and let himself _feel._ Robbie ran his hand up from James’ thigh and up to the back of his head. Bracing it so he had to look at him. James stared into his eyes and Robbie could see the moment he let go, the very second the allowed himself to accept the truth. They surged forward at the same time, lips meeting and hands grabbing. This time it was not an chaste ambush but a passionate embrace, both men fully, deeply kissing, clutching at each other and pushing their bodies closer, until they were pressed tightly from mouth to knee.

James was the first to slow down and pull away slightly, pressing their foreheads together. They rested there for a few moments, regaining control of their breathing, Robbie couldn’t believe how erotic it was just to be breathing in the same air as this beautiful man.

 “Well…” James murmured, stroking Robbie’s jaw with both hands, rasping his thumbs on evening stubble. “If we’re being honest…. I haven’t got any other friends I’ve been in love with since the first day we met.”  He gave a shy grin that lit up his whole face.

Robbie gathered him close and buried his head at James’ long neck, kissing the tip of the collar bone that had been tantalising him earlier in the evening.  “Love you too, James.”

When he raised his head again James was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen, eyes burning dark with lust and love and awe.

“Did I hear someone mention an orthopaedic mattress….?” He asked and Robbie was more than happy to lead him down the corridor to tumble onto it for the night.


	7. Chapter 7

Going to sleep that night had been blissful. Wine hazed and snuggled up in a post-coital bundle of naked limbs, James fell asleep much more quickly than normal, feeling safe and anxiety-free. Romantic evenings and surprise love confessions were obviously good for his insomnia, he thought, as he drifted away effortlessly.

He was, however, unused to sleeping next to someone and between Robbie’s wriggling and snoring he had a difficult night.  The first few times he woke were peaceful enough and he enjoyed the feeling of being tucked up with Robbie. Once hugged tightly from behind, once half draped with an arm and a leg. But by 5.15am when he woke for the sixth or seventh time to a shift in the duvet and a loud snore-snuffle, he was fed up with the interruptions. He rolled over to look at Robbie, perfectly content asleep after a lifetime of sharing a bed.  How long was it, he wondered, before one gets used to sleeping next to someone?

Somehow his mind, still floating half in dream space, couldn’t reconcile the Robbie of last night with the one currently in bed with him. This Robbie seemed so far away. Rather than cuddling close, he had rolled over to the far edge of the bed, back to James. There was only a foot of space between them but it felt like a mile.

The certainly that James had felt last night seemed to have retreated with Robbie’s arms. Last night he had been happy to go with Robbie’s simplistic reading of the situation – I like you and you like me, therefore we should be together. It was a foreign way of thinking and he’d been swept up it, forgotten all reasons why it couldn’t work and ignored all doubts. Now in the black of the early morning, with Robbie still asleep and nothing to distract him, they resurfaced. Surely it couldn’t really be as simple?

Good things didn’t come without something bad to balance them out, he’d learnt that early on. There was always a catch, a price to be paid.

What would the cost be for this little slice of heaven?  Perhaps Robbie wouldn’t stand by what he’d said last night. Perhaps he’d wake ashamed and James would have to leave and live his life with just this one taste of being loved.  Could he have been influenced by the wine? By the festive atmosphere? By nostalgia for Christmas’ past? Emotions were running high with Mark coming today, perhaps he’d been lonely, missing Val, missing Laura, just wanting a bit of comfort…

Starting to feel claustrophobic under the duvet, he shuffled himself up in the bed to rest his back on the headboard and pressed his head against the wall. It was cold out of the covers, but he needed the air. His breathing had quickened and his muscles started to tense, a familiar anxiety growing, his habitual guilt pushing through.

He startled as a warm hand snaked over his lap, he hadn’t noticed Robbie waking up. Glancing down he realised that was because he wasn’t really awake, not in the way that James was. He had his eyes still closed but had rolled over and pulled himself close to James’ hips and was now tucked into against his thigh.

A gravelly voice broke through the silence. He could feel the words vibrating down his leg from where Robbie’s lips pressed against him. “Alright then, let’s get this over with….. I was hoping for a bit more of a lie in, mind…” His eyes prised open a little, blinking at the light.

“Stay asleep then.” James pleaded, frightened of what might be coming. Robbie huffed a half-laugh tickling James with his exhaled breath.

“Not likely, with you fretting like I know you are.”

James started to protest but Robbie stopped him with a hand to his bare chest.

“Thought I’d have to say a few things this morning, though I hoped it might be a bit later on....”  He pulled himself backwards a bit so they could see each other, sleepy eyes now clearly focused.

“…Firstly, I meant what I said last night, I love you, want to be with you.” He brought his large hand up to cup James’ cheek, rubbing with his thumb.  “Secondly, I am not going to have a crisis over me sexuality, I have no problem with you being male….” He trailed his hand down, rubbing up and down the trail of blonde hair on James’ chest.

“…And last and by no means least, you have at least half an hour before you need to get up for work, so for God’s sake stop borrowing trouble and get back down here.”

That strong hand moved around to his waist and tugged. James was pulled down onto the bed and wrapped with strong arms, worries temporarily forgotten. He should have known that Robbie would sort him out, knew him better than anyone and could read his moods like a book.

 

He floated through work that day, tackling his mountain of paperwork more happily than ever in the past. The sooner he got it all completed the sooner he could go back to Robbie’s.

His new-found enthusiasm for completing his reports was noticed at the station, but everyone assumed he was just getting into the Christmas spirt a few days early and so didn’t ask him to explain his newly-improved mood. Lizzie, snuck him smug, knowing glances all day, and kept mentioning Robbie gratuitously but he was too content to rise to the bait. He just continued his mental countdown to the end of the day, whilst pulling his grin down into his usual bland expression.

He had an itching to talk to Robbie all day, a niggling urge to call him and hear his voice. He restrained, not only because he wanted to avoid being as needy as a twelve year old girl, but also to give Robbie some time alone with his son.

He did get one brief flash of contact, a text message just at the point of the afternoon where the bureaucratic slog was turning tedious.  It was comforting to get word from Robbie but the message itself (‘Mark arrived. Very excitable. Hope you’re in the mood for an interrogation!’) was not particularly welcome. By the time he trudged back to the house after a long shift his cheerful mood had disintegrated and his worries and nerves from the morning were starting to creep back in.

The thought of meeting Mark in this state was not pleasant. He just wanted a quiet evening without the pressure of trying to endear himself. It sounded like Mark was already on his side, but James could never trust his social skills, knew it wasn’t an area he excelled in, and he needed it to go well.

He nervously rang the doorbell, half-heartedly wishing he’d opened the bottle of wine he was clutching to lubricate his social abilities.

“Evenin’” grinned Robbie, opening the door to let him in and prising the bottle out of his tense hands.

James smiled nervously and peered round him searching for the new face. It was surprisingly quiet in the house. This was soon explained as they moved past the door to the living room and Mark was fast asleep on the sofa, the tv babbling gently in the background.

“He got here ok then?” James tilted his head towards the sleeping figure. “Had a good day?”

“Oh Aye.” Robbie replied. “Not surprised he’s conked out though. Been chattering non-stop since he got here!”

He was led through into the kitchen where he took no time to crowd Robbie into the worktop, pressing his lanky frame close to claim a kiss, feeling much more confident now it was just the two of them.

 “Did you tell him about this?” He ran a hand up and down Robbie’s back. 

“Didn’t have to! First thing he said to me, right off the plane – not, good to see you or anything but ‘You told him!’

“How did he know?” James asked.

  
“Apparently I was ‘grinning like a lunatic!” Robbie laughed. “I tried to tell him it was because me favourite son was visiting, but he wouldn’t have it!”

“And he’s ok with it?”

“More than. He’s feeling pretty smug about the whole thing, seems to think it’s all his doing!”  Robbie chuckled, then leaned in to kiss again and James tried to lose himself in it, but something that had been niggling at him all day forced its way out.

“Sorry I was so needy this morning.” James apologised, unable to meet Robbie’s eyes.

“Nonsense. I know I sort of sprang it all on you last night. Anyone would need a little reassurance. That’s just what it’s like at the start of new relationships! Just ask me next time, rather than worry over it. An’ I’ll try an’ do the same.”

This made James look up, suddenly needing to see his face.

“You’ve got concerns too then?” He asked.

“Only what on earth you’d want with an old codger like me!”

“Everything” James whispered, leaning across for another kiss. “I want everything with you.”

He set about showing Robbie just how much, kissing him thoroughly. They were soon heading into dangerous territory, one step away from shagging on the kitchen table. But before James could coordinate his hands enough for a proper assault on Robbie’s trousers they were startled by a noise along the corridor.  A door creaked on its hinges and Mark’s footsteps tapped in the wooden floor as he walked towards the bathroom.

  
James hastened to straighten his clothes and compose himself before reaching over to try and flatten Robbie’s kiss-mussed hair. As Mark finished in the bathroom and could be heard heading towards them, James took a few deep, calming breaths but knew he was probably still as ruffled and red in the face as Robbie was.

Mark took one look at the pair of them and burst into laughter. “You must be James then!” He declared through his giggles.

James would normally be mortified. He hated exposure or embarrassment of any kind. But Robbie smirked at him and placed his arm around his waist, pulling him close and he found himself able to laugh along with them both.

“Yep. This is him.” Said Robbie and made the introductions.

As soon as he’d calmed from his laughing fit, Mark set upon James and pulled him into a bear hug with one arm around his back the other around his Dad. The three of them stood there, pressed together, for a minute or so before Mark pulled back and the interrogation started.

James was bombarded with a hundred questions, both flippant and profound. He tried to answer them as best he could, sneaking glances at Robbie to enjoy his rapt attention at the openness he was displaying. He was well aware that the answers to some of the more searching questions would be new and revelatory to him. He tried to ask a few of his own questions, as well as expressing how grateful he was that Mark had helped Robbie sort out his feelings.

 

All in all it was a pleasant evening. Chatting, drinking wine and eating pizza. James was surprised at how easy it was and how normal it felt, to be hanging out with his lover and his son, like they’d been doing it forever.

Mark fell asleep again fairly early and was packed off to bed with the promise that James, who had the following few days off work, would still be around for follow-up questions and so didn’t need to be asked them all that night.

Robbie didn’t take much time after that to lead James to bed and finish their kitchen encounter in more comfortable surroundings. Afterwards they lay cuddling and talking, debriefing the evening. It wasn’t so different from so many evenings on the sofa, talking through the latest case’ progress. Only this time their naked skin pressed together and James would get little kisses in the pauses in the conversation.

“You didn’t have to answer all of those questions you know. He’s a nosy little so-and-so sometimes!” Robbie told him, after asking him several questions about some of the information he had revealed.

“I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to.” James replied. “Seemed the least I could do after you’ve been so open with me.” It hadn’t been too bad, he thought. Now that his biggest secrets, his sexuality and his feelings for Robbie, were out in the open, the others didn’t seem so overwhelming.   


“Hmm. This talking thing has worked out rather well, don’t you think!”

“I do.” James said, snuggling further into Robbies side. What about Lyn though? Are you going to talk to her?“

Then a horrible thought struck him. “I am still welcome for Christmas?”

“Of course yer are!”

“I mean, I know Mark is happy, but I don’t want to make things awkward with your family.”

“Nonsense!” Robbie growled. “You’re my family now, James. Thought that, even before all of this.” He looked down to where they were twined around each other. “They’ll just have to be fine…. And they will be. Lyn knows how close we are. How much you’ve always meant to me. She’ll want me to be happy.”

“And you will be?...” James asked, tentatively testing out their promise to ask for reassurance whenever needed.

“Will be? Am is more like! As happy as I’ve ever been.” Robbie replied. “And we haven’t even got to Christmas yet!”

James privately agreed. He’d never been so happy either. For the first time he could see a wonderful future stretching out in front of him. So many possibilities starting to circle his mind, fantasies of evenings spent together, weekends.  Perhaps they could even go on holiday together, a weekend getaway, or even visit Mark in Australia.  Perhaps if he was very lucky Robbie would let him move in. Or they could get their own house together. The comfort of these thoughts and Robbie’s strong arms around him lulled him to a contented sleep.

 

Like so many things where the Lewis family was concerned James needn’t have worried about his acceptance. When Lyn and family finally arrived the issue was done and settled within the first few minutes.

He was sat reading a book when the doorbell rang. Robbie, who had been fussing in the kitchen awaiting their arrival, answered the door and excited greetings and laughter quickly echoed down the corridor towards him.  

  
He’d barely looked up from his book before Lyn burst through to the sitting room crying “James! There you are!”

He stood up instinctively and to his surprise she came over and gave him a tight hug. He stood stock still, frozen at the sudden embrace (what was it with Lewis’ and attack hugs?). The rest of the family followed into the room, cheering at the sight.  

“Welcome to the family!” Lyn half-sobbed onto his shoulder, still holding tight.  

He looked up at Robbie alarmed only to find him staring at Mark, questioning eyebrows raised.

 Mark edged backwards, hands in the air. “What!” He laughed. “Did you think you were the only one I was talking to on Skype!”

“Yeah.” Lyn chimed in. She finally broke away from James and rounded on Robbie. “I’ve a bone to pick with you, Dad! How come you never told _me_ any of this.” She waved her hand between her dad and James.

“Oi, you two, settle down!” Robbie raised both his hands to try and get quiet. “James might not _want_ to join this family now he knows what busybody, gossiping children I’ve got!”

“Oh” Mark said with a grin, “If he’ll put up with you, I hardly thing _we’re_ going to scare him off!”

From then the house descended into a temporary mayhem, Robbie chasing Mark around the room to give him a playful thwack, Jack joining in running circles around the sofa and Lyn trying to catch him. James sat in the middle of it all and laughed at how ridiculously joyful it was to finally belong to a loving family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And its done! Thanks all for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.


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